Okay. Personal post time.

For as long as I can remember, I have been passionate about theater, film, and bringing stories and characters to life, either on stage, or on screen. I would like to be at the 24 hour play festival today with good friends, taking part in something I’ve always been extremely enthusiastic about, but sadly circumstances beyond my control have prevented me from doing so. This isn’t a text post about how unfair life is and blah blah blah blah blah. This is a text post about maybe finally looking into pursuing something I’ve wanted to pursue for a very long time and getting the push I needed to do so.

One of the genres I have explored is horror, and it is a genre I have fallen madly, madly in love with. I cannot adequately express in words how in love I am with terror. Why? What about this genre resonates with me? Well, let’s see if I can articulate my thoughts. I have always said it’s easy to make people laugh, and even easier to make people cry, but it isn’t easy to genuinely shake the foundation of viewers and evoke honest to goodness fear and those who have accomplished such a feat are truly talented beings. I have watched the horror industry slowly deteriorate over the years and it breaks my heart. I feel like there is a lack of originality. Plots have been reduced to formulaic, one dimensional carbon copies of previous films. And… this, this is what really kills me, people… cgi and jump scares have replaced the people behind the masks, so to speak.

If I could do anything—and I mean absolutely ANYTHING on this earth—it’d be prosthetic and film make-up work. This is what I’m passionate about. There is something so absolutely awe-inspiring about seeing an actor portray a medley of emotions, and these emotions cannot be captured with computer generated images. That is what elevates a flat horror antagonist to a villain with depth. And think of the artistry that goes into creating these creatures!

For a very, very long time I lived under the assumption that pursing a career in film make-up work was beyond my grasp, but that’s no good. I’ve started looking into options. Options for school, for certification, how to break into the industry, and I’m maybe a little bit hopeful that it can be done and one day I can accomplish a goal I was too afraid to set for myself.

Sometimes I just miss Heath Ledger so much. 

Okay so here I am, writing about absolutely nothing. This happens from time to time. I want to write, but I can’t. Why. Why can’t I write. Why can’t I successfully string together words to form sentences and to form thoughts and ideas and adequately express myself. Why. I feel like the thoughts inside of my head are a tangled chain. You know what I mean? Have you ever stumbled across a necklace after not wearing it for a long time and the chain is tangled? It takes a lot of effort to straight the chain back out so it’s actually usable again. But it’s there. The links and the claw mechanism are all there, it’s still a necklace, it just hasn’t been… untangled yet. That’s how my mind works. My head is full of ideas, but they’re tangled and I want nothing more than to untangle them and straighten them out so they fall in a neat, linear pattern but it’s so difficult to do so. Maybe what I need is some assistance. Maybe what I need is someone who can help me refine these ideas and pick them apart and organize and translate my thoughts to others.

Or maybe not.

Maybe what I really need is someone whose mind works the same way mine does. Maybe what I need is someone who appreciates the beauty of a tangled chain because they’re mind is like my mind. Maybe what I really need is someone who thinks my mind is beautiful as is.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

And the answer is yes. You can—you will. It will be a different kind of love. This new person you love won’t order their coffee the same way, and their hair will feel different when you run your fingers through it, but different is good. And just because it’s different and new, it isn’t any less real and all the people you love are loved for their own special reason and that is good. That is needed. You will heal.

You will love again.